I must say that I worry a lot these days.
I’ve worried for so many times since I entered school, and now that I have not left school because I still study and work in a school at the same time, I am now worrying far greater than before.
I do pray, and I have faith that all of my circumstances and dilemmas will turn out well, but I still cannot avoid and I don’t understand why I worry too much. I always feel I am at the eye of the storm whenever I think about what I should do or what I should accomplish.
When I was too close to finishing my coursework, I started to feel pressured as if I carried the weight of the world literally as I visualized the requirements that I had to face. Looking back, the things I had to do were indeed doable, but there was an extreme weight in my heart that I might not be able to accomplish any of them. There were times that I just sat on a couch and tried to distract myself by reading books or watching movies. I reached the point that I had to think that the deadlines and the requirements did not exist at all because if they did, it would be the end of my world.
Yeah, right! I might just be exaggerating things, but these things actually happened, and every time I pray, my worries occupy a huge part of my prayer. I always believe that there’s nothing that I can do, or if I’ll do something, my efforts will always not be enough. I depended too much to supernatural strengths and a lot of heavenly favors.
At the end of every season, God never failed to bring breakthroughs and victories, all of which I had never imagined to actually unfold in front of my sight. Great thrill overwhelmed me that indeed, mountains can be moved, and nothing is impossible with God.
Request letters, narrative reports, papers, PowerPoint presentations, oral defenses, and a lot more have eaten my system altogether, and I felt like I was dying little by little… slowly at a time. I always had doubt in my capabilities to execute every action, and I was too terrified that eventually I would fail.
But I haven’t. And until now, I am still moving forward.
I’ve read a lot of quotations about worrying, and I even talked about worrying in some of my speaking engagements in the past. I also gave pieces of advice to people when I felt like they were worrying, but I am not an exception. I am not exempted to feel and deal with worrying.
My most recent experience about worrying happened when I sent a letter of request to one of the divisions of Department of Education seeking a request to allow me to conduct a study in two schools. I had fears that it might be like passing through a narrow hole in a needle or I might be rejected. I also thought that it might take me for a long time, and there were a long list of worries that I’ve imagined to the point that I was losing hope that I would be able to get a permission.
Day by day, I worried about it that I was even afraid to follow it up. I tried calling the office, but the phone lines seemed not to be working. Then one day, I took the gut to visit the office, and up to the last minute I was scared to death. The clerk mentioned that she did not even encounter my letter, and that made me too upset. She kept on looking the records until finally she found the copy of the document that I needed. That made me sank in the bench were I was sitting.
I looked at the document, and I have seen it: the permission was release three days right after I submitted my request letter. I’ve worried for so many days, but the letter was indeed released earlier that I have ever expected. I came to the office three weeks after I sent my request, and that was a long wait and a long time for worrying.
As I exited the room, I had an epiphany that I worried a lot that the things I’ve worried so much were the things that I should not be worrying about because many of these things were doable and achievable only if I had the determination to accomplish them and had the faith that the Lord in His goodness will allow things to work on smoothly.
From now on, I’ll start to act first before I worry, or I should abandon worrying altogether. Life is short to worry too much, and God is too generous that He will not allow any of His children suffer much from worrying.
Now I’m smiling. Worry no more.