There should be a pause button where I can press to stop the flow of everyday happenings just to stop and reflect on life by writing my insights and realizations.
I must be too busy with stuff that so many events and lessons have passed on my door step, and I simply let them leave. Although the impact of each of them has remained in me, I can’t help to regret for not putting them in print, so that I can always look back on them as if they were fresh.
My journals (both private and public) have helped me deepen the way I think and reached other people, so that they too can learn from my own experiences.
I cannot recount every single detail of the most amazing events that occurred in the past few weeks, but I’ll try to make it as meaningful as possible.
ON “HOLY WEEEK”
Our pastor warned on Palm Sunday that we Christians may have the tendency on observing the things that we should and we should not do that in the process that we miss Christ. Actually, I did. I was trying to avoid to commit it, but doing so made me guilty to be worthy as an example for that.
How? I read several Christian books and read the Bible even up to the last minutes and hours of this year’s Holy Week. I forced myself to utter prayers longer and more frequent than how I did them before. I tried to avoid the sins that I usually do, but I failed. On Easter, I felt the feeling of Peter when he denounced Christ thrice. I guess if Jesus looked at me eye to eye right then and there, I would not be able to handle it. I will weep harder than how Peter did it.
I do not deserve his grace and mercy, yet he still chose to die on the cross for me. And I am sure that Jesus will do it again if he needs to. I am sure.
That’s the story of my holy week. It was an ordinary week like all the other weeks. The week after that probably made me and God smile.
With all the pressures that I have been through before, during, and after that week, I felt really helpless. I was dog tired as in literally and figuratively tired. The feeling was far greater than running several miles with no water to drink or thinking about the answers on life’s difficult test questions. And to be in that kind of circumstance, I believe the only remedy (or solution) is an open relationship with the Lord.
All of a sudden, I realized I have not confessed many of my major sins (not even saying whisper prayers about them). I have tried to avoid them or intentionally not included them in my prayers. I also came into conclusion that my thanksgiving were the same every day. I f I was God, I would look on my worship as dull and boring. And God does not deserve those. Lastly, most of my important concerns were not surrendered to God. I rarely appeal to Him like a child. I might have been relying again to myself all this time. Yes, I do pray every day, but maybe, I have not pleaded to the Lord for a long time.
The night I talked to God will all my heart was a night I will always long to have. Maybe, God have missed me so much as much as I missed Him in my life. I am not perfect, and I am reminded of one of the greatest lessons of my Sunday school teacher that spiritual maturity does not go with age.
I desire to grow deeper, and that will start when I begin to trust God again with everything. I have to work on our relationship. I have to do my part. He has done so many things for me, and I have not returned so much of it. That’s why I admire His love.
From that moment, I will do my best to be with God in every battle of my life.